A New Kind of Joy

Originally Posted September 18th, 2007

I walked down the driveway, pushing back the stinging pain that kept trying to force a few tears out of my eyes.

I didn't want to cry. I knew I would never stop if I started. So breathe easy, I told myself now is not the time At the bottom of the drive I found no Sunday newspaper, and all I could do was wrap my blanket tighter and trudge back up the drive.

Back inside the comforts of my home, the urge to cry came again as I put water on to boil for tea. Even the warm, coziness of my own home couldn't drive out the loneliness and despair. I sighed and sat down at my computer to amuse myself until the rest of the family woke up.

By the time my father had through the Sunday newspaper on the table saying "You lookin for this?" I was feeling better.

But his next comment made me finish my breakfast in a rush and make my way upstairs to my bedroom.

"So you didn't get up and say good bye this morning?" he hummed.

At that you would have found me in my room.

There I sat picking through mounds of clothes trying to decide if I really wanted to go to church or did I just want to stay home and mope around because I had finally gotten the "dump"

Yes.

My sister was married, and so was my other one. My brother and his girl friend were gone off to Texas and my little brother was quite attached to his downstairs bedroom.

I had cracked, the full weight of my loneliness had left me joyless and depressed.

So after leaving my room the wreck it never is. With clothes strewn across my bed, and the drawers left open. Both beds unmade and my books across the floor and desk.

I was downstairs and ready to leave.

Once at church I fought off the urge to hide in the bathroom and cry myself away. But something stopped that before it could happen.

Here I was depressed, lonely, hurt, mad, upset, basically a basket case. Trying to fight my way through an emotional battle that I couldn't win.

So was worship faded, and I saw that my attempts at praising the Lord was futile. A man took a microphone and told me something from God.

It was about Joy.

That was when I found it.

I saw that I had ignored God's help to win my battles and all I needed was a little joy. A new kind of joy.

One that fills you up and never lets you get empty. I asked for that joy and I received it. Though it took a while longer for my hardened heart to catch up with my overly joyful mind.

But it was a start. I was filled with God's joy and it felt like heaven (pardon that... heehee, it all this joy ;-)

Its the new pill to take. The joy pill.

So ask and you shall receive as Daniel quotes from the bible every four seconds.

I got joy.

Its not happy smiles all the time. No its a willingness to be joyful and trust in God even when times are ridiculously low.

So I might not be smiling or laughing right now, but I do have the joy of the Lord.

Find it for yourself ;-)

-GAM

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Chase The Clouds

Originally Posted September 11th, 2007

I just spent the evening with my friend Bethany. We roamed the country side in her blue "pimp" truck chasing clouds and chasing feelings. For months now we had fallen away from each other due to unknown reasons. But for some reason this night we grasped each others hands and ran headlong down a long strip of grass to get one picture of the sunset that was proving to us God was magnificent.

We had chased that sunset for and hour, down back roads and through a town. Till we stumbled upon a factory with a long strip of grass and an open view of the sunset. There we took the pictures we could and happily set off to get some dinner.
There in Panera Bread we sat across from each other digging into our meal with vigor. But when the plates had passed onto the hands of the worker we were stalling for time. I knew that the time was coming as I saw Bethany slowly open her mouth to speak.
But I just sat there and took it, answering the questions and afterwards I felt so wonderful all I could do was joke and laugh. I had known from the moment the day started that this was a "happy day" and I would enjoy it to its fullest. Right down to that last embarrassment.
So I did. I trusted that God would let me have a wonderful day just like I had asked. He was so true to His word all I can do is smile the biggest smile I can and praise His holy name.
This is what chasing clouds is.
We chase after so many things in life and all of them are blocked by the trees. Not until we find the open space, not until we allow God to open out blocked vision can we see the beauty that is splayed before us.
This was what happen tonight, my eyes were open and I saw a beautiful young woman named Bethany before me and the best part was that we were friends.
All I can say to finish this is.
God is a Wonderful God.

-GAM

And I Looked At The Night Sky

Originally Posted September 3th, 2007

The night sky is the most beautiful to look at and the most impossible to photograph. I have tried over the endless time to capture the full moon with out it turning into a bright yellow blob. But it always fails.

The night sky has always been there, it never goes extinct and its always new and changing even when you get to know it.
Funny how when I look at the night sky I see God. I see something that changes only because we don't know it.
The night sky is always the same. It never changes, we just need to get to know it. Just like we need to get to know God.
Getting to know God, not just in the pray-lets-go-to-church-sing-praises-make-me-feel-better way. No. In every way we need to get to know God.
If you are only know the night sky as little white dots and one really big one. Then you don't know it. If you only know that Christ died on a cross then you don't know Him.
So I urge you brothers and sisters to go out there and get to know God. Be like the Astronomers and Wise men. You get to know Gods creation and you see how that creation imitates God.
So as Gods creation we should imitate Him in all His ways. Even the ways we don't even begin to understand...
But as man, we have the ability to have a relationship with the Creator, the one we imitate. We are there to love God and He is there to love us.
The best part of all is God wants you to know Him personally.
So look at the night sky, and see how we need to get to know Him.
Get to know Him and draw closer to Him then anything else.
Leave the world behind and begin the journey you were created to walk.
Get to know Him.
To know Him like the Night Sky.

-GAM

Things That Go Bump In The Night

Originally Posted August 15th, 2007

I leaned back and shifted to a more comfortable position on my old camping chair. The poor fire was dying out to little more then ashes and coals. Still I was hoping as I always hope, that I could pull a little more out of this day.

But it had already emptied itself fully to me. I had a wonderful time enjoying it. Now I shiver slightly and try to push my half asleep body towards the front door and my nice warm bed. Something still tells myself to wait. Wait for an answer, a person, a voice?
Dark is closing in faster now, the noises are louder and stronger. Closer since the light it fading. No! I will not let those things get me, they will not pull me down tonight. I can with hold it all.
The voice that I waited for, the hand that reached down. It smoothed the hair from my face, the lips kissed my forehead gently. Calmness was all that I felt now, just a peace with the world, pain and fear had subsided. I was free.
The voice said to me "You can not with hold it, you need me, do you see that?"
The voice was calm as the waters on the sea. The voice reverberated about the chambers of my mind. "Lord" I whispered, "Thank you." He only nodded and pointed toward the door of the house.
"Go to sleep my little one, so that you may be refreshed, for in the morning you start my work."
So I did.
And sleep I will, until day dawns at my door and no more can I lie about in bed pondering the things of the deep.

-GAM

Show Me What It Is

Originally Posted August 7th, 2007

Its a passion.

Its a love.
Its a call.
Could you find light in the dark, could you see how lost you really are?
Could you ever tell the difference from the right and wrong direction?
Not with out help.
God leans down with His hand grasping mine and point to the right road. He fills me with the love I need, the passion I need, the calling I need.
When I listen to them, I see that I am lost, I see that there is hope.
I see what the world is. I see what I could be. I see that love is the greatest of these things.
Love could never leave, never exit, never stop.
This love at least.
So take my hand again.
Show me the right direction.
Lead me to the path I will take.
Tell me that hope is near at hand.
Love me with the passion you feel inside.

-GAM

Like A Lover

Originally Posted July 26th, 2007

The Song of Songs goes on and on about the Beloved and the Lover. They talk of their love for each other and how beautiful it sounds. There was a very good reason it was put in the bible.

It shows the relationship we should have with God.
He is our lover.
He wants to make everything good for us.
He wants to see us happy and with Him.
All I had to do was read Gone with the Wind to understand a little bit more how deep Gods love goes. I cried because I didn't realise it before. The beauty it holds.
Gods love is huge. Gods love is GREAT. No one can understand until they experience it themselves.
I was running lost in the fog, I was searching for the one thing I needed. I always new some how that it was Him. But not until I saw that I was His beloved I will run into His arms like a lover. Because I love Him.
But unlike Gone with the Wind. Gods love endures forever.
I can run into His arms like a helpless child and release my burdens on Him. Because He loves me!
Because He loves me!
and the best of it all is I love Him right back. I love Him as a lover. I could not explain the feelings that run from me now. I cry, I laugh, I want to dance, I want to sing! I really want to sleep...
All because I am experiencing REAL love for the first time. What it feels to be loved so greatly by God. Its overwhelming. You are open to His mind. You see His thoughts more clearly.
I have a better picture of what I am to do then I have ever had.
I am to receive the Holy Spirit. Then I am to become a worker to bring in the harvest. To do the work God has laid before me. Because He loves me!
This is a love that cannot be broken. It is between God and I. Between us. Because we love each other as crazy and whacked out it sounds. But forget for a moment what the world says about cooks like me. Forget all that you see about love in the world today.
Forget it all.
And immerse yourself with the only TRUE love you can find out there today.
That is Gods.
Because He loves you.
Because He loves you!
and all you have to do...
is run into His arms like a lover.
Because you can never be truly humble until you have a deep sense of being
LOVED!!!!!!!!

-GAM

A Hole In The Wall

Originally Posted July 23, 2007

The pacelli crunched in my mouth echoing through the stair well. I hoped the noise that sounded louder then it was kept my sister and brother sleeping. I stoped to lean against the banister and looked at the lined up pine trees of the wallpaper.

Only one thing stood out blandish. The little pin sized hole.
The little hole that let things in...
I stared harder at it. I opened up my mind a little more and heard a still voice creeping in. God was talking, it was my turn to listen.
"You see that hole?" He asked, I nodded. "You have one yourself, its a little hole in your life, in the way you think about me and the world. Its a little hole that lets in evil and doesn't let it back out."
Stunned I just stared even harder at the little hole. Slowly that hole grew bigger in my mind. I saw the many things that crawl in, all covered with nasty things, but looking so harmless at first.
"Let those things out the front door and patch that hole." God said. I looked harder inside myself, allowing my eyes to see the real face of the things I let in. I was frightened now. I had been listening to these voices all along, these things in such a disguise. God's voice had been covered with their own little dripping voices.
I cried out for help, I noticed my problem. God gave me the key and I let them out. I tried to patch the hole, but the things just broke my seal and hopped back inside. I sat on the floor. "Jesus, why cant I patch it up?" I cried out to Him. He gave a sweet chuckle and bent down to face me.
"Oh my child, the things you must be told over and over again" He smiled at me and took my hand. "I will help you patch this hole, because I have the strongest seal. My blood"
Now that my hole is gone. Now that the things no longer crawl back in and distort my thinking. I see that God is still there. God never left, but I was wrongly distracted from Him.
Now I keep a wary eye out for the next hole that might pop in. I don't fear not being able to fix it. I know that God will patch it for me. When I ask for His help.
Because...
He sealed it before.

-GAM

Face to Face

Originally Posted July 20th, 2007

I look up from my monkey to the sky all splattered with stars, it looks like it will turn out to be a better night then expected.

After a fine dash through open fields and a little tree bending on the side, oh with deer chasing and some re inaction of Mel Gibson's Apocalypto. I am feeling soft and cozy next to the fire and crowd of people. The family is close, and safe, the world is shut out and shut up from its crazy screaming, day and night. For a few hours its just us the moonlight and the fire and our warm company that keeps us up and running.
The taste of wine fresh on my tongue and the little bit of cheesecake still resting on my plate. As a young man is introduced on the blacker then black asphalt he stands on. A bag of pipes in one hand and strewn over his shoulder. He hoists them up and fills them with the air of his lungs.
Before you can breathe in the sweet scent of the fresh night a new song is starting. One filled with sorrowing notes, and crisp with feeling. The silence is strong, whipping out all around you. Being lost in this place of excitement and wonder, the faces around you no longer want to be spoken to, the faces around you drift through time and space.
But one face stands out before you, it stands out in the stars, the navy colored sky, the freshness of the air. The face of God. It swings from the music that is forced from the bagpipes with every movement of the fingers, with every breathe of air. The face of God leans down into mine. We are now face to face.
Though I can not see clearly what it looks like its a face all the same. For a moment I have disappeared into this wondrous face. The power of His presence over whelms me.
Then I grip the small stuffed child's monkey tighter in my hands. Suddenly guffaws of laughter and imitations of Irish Step dancing break out and the song takes a lighter tone. The face is now gone, the feelings have gone back to there previous state, but yet they feel the change that was in the cool night air. That presence of God.
He didn't say anything to me, He didn't even acknowledge me, but I was just another person feeling the closeness of God of being face to face with Him.
I feel moved, stronger, braver, closer to my Creator. The feelings that pulse through my heart are bursting with energy. Yet my head falls into my hands and my eyes droop with the heaviness of lack of sleep. But still there is an energy that drives me on to write something. To write the words the Lord gives me. The words that lift Him up the words that show who He is and explain a little more of Himself to the rest of the world.
Our God is a great God. I praise Him with my whole body, spirit and soul. Because His presence is stronger then the thousands of words He speaks to me.
Because meeting someone face to face is always better then a telephone call

-GAM

This Voice Will Be Heard

Originally Posted July 18th, 2007

Its the feeling of a song, newly written, played in your head, its the feeling of a walk and a poem forever embedded in you memory. Its the feeling of new book that teaches you more then you new it could, its the feeling of a reacquainting with God. But a little more then that.

This week has been filled with more feeling then what is worth being wrote down. It was a journey to learn what I really wanted to learn. But in the end, it was a struggle worth getting through.
I spent an Monday evening tossing so many feelings around in my sorry little head, that by the time the night was through I had nothing else to do but make up my mind.
I embraced forgiveness, like the song.
It is the greatest gift I ever found.
I left behind things I thought would never be gone. Feelings that a child once had. Things only a child would deal with. I embraced also a slight maturity. In maybe more the way I set my ideas, the way I plan my life, the way I life my life.
In that I felt I no longer held on to the world, that I had taken my left foot out of the world and placed in once again firmly in Gods palm. I was once again in the security of His hands. And rather life Scarlett O'Hara I was no longer infatuated with the dances and the balls and the romance of the evening. I was pulled into the reality of the war, of the fight that went on inside me. What I have to do, what my job is. That I am to be in the world not of it.
I am to be a wallflower, to listen and not be heard as someone of the world. But my voice is to be heard like no other. I am to stand out in a way that makes people turn heads. But because I carry something with me, I have something that no one else has. Something that only Jesus can supply.
Then no longer do I feel like a lazy homeboy that does nothing with his faith. I don't want to be silent any longer. I want this voice to be heard. I want all to know. That there is hope in this despicable world.
That God is their hope.
That faith is stronger then fear.
That there is only one way.
That this voice can be heard.

-GAM

A Truly Much Darker Blue

Originally Posted July 6th, 2007

Everyone, I'm not saying the whole world, but most people believe that the ocean is blue. Yes blue. Blue like the sky, and stunning blue that welcomes people into it.

But the ocean isn't just blue.
A writer mite call it a sea green blue. To me that's just a mouthful of useless words. To me the ocean is a much deeper blue.
Its a blue that speaks so much feeling, power and emotion that is can no longer be called just the color blue. It deserves a bigger better name, but yet no one is brave enough to test the water and change it.
When you kayak over the sea, becoming almost one with it. The blue sky does not match the color of the ocean. The ocean could be murky on the bottom, but when you look at the top what you see is blue.
But remember it is a much darker, deeper blue. A true blue.
The kind of color blue I always imagined the blues and jazz would be if someone colored them in.
Out of all this, all this blue. I have come to a place of meeting.
It is the place were I reached my hand out of that kayak and into the blue jazzy water and felt something not many people feel in the color blue.
I felt a little closer to God.
I suppose I have not always seen God in a white, but yes a darker color were He simply shines right through. Yes He could be the ocean color blue.
His love is that color to.
His love is a deeper, darker, love. His is a true love.
All people love and want to be loved. But not all love is true, we lie about love every day. Don't we? Well I do!
Its like saying "I love pea's" when you really hate them. That is why no man can reproduce Gods love. Because His is true and as sinners there is no way to live a life of complete truth.
So shouldn't we try to love a little darker, a little deeper and little more truthfully then we already do. Because if God loves you like that then why shouldn't you?
When I felt God's closeness in the water, I knew that He was speaking to me. He gave me the strength to endure. He told me to write what I felt about His love. So I did. Some of it may confuse you, but don't hesitate to ask me any questions about it. And as I sit here I pray, because I am a person that strongly believes in prayer. I pray that maybe as you read this and reread it, you begin to under stand God a little bit more then you had before.
Not so I can run of and say I changed the world. No because God wants it.
I have lots of thoughts on love and I will begin to share them more as I journey through it myself. So stay strong and hold fast.
Because the storm is coming.

-GAM

And He Show's Himself

Originally Posted June 26, 2007

I put off typing this blog until now. Because I was way to tired to do it last night. But I new that I was supposed to write it because it whats has been on my heart since the summer started.

Now this is nothing amazing but I am going to write it in my style. So here goes.
I took a good glance at the sky yesterday, noticing that it was nearing sunset and it would be a beautiful time to take pictures. So as all photographers do they grab their cameras and race off into the realm of photography.
I seemed to race away from everything I had been struggling with. Only to have it come flying back at me.
God was waiting for me at the top of the hill. He covered the sun with a cloud so I would not be distracted from His presence. I gave Him a welcoming smile, but He did not take me into His arms as He always does. Instead the wind beat at my already cold shoulders.
"This wasn't how it started... this wasn't how it was going to end," I told myself. God replied.
"Why do you let these things stand between us?" I took a close look at the ground that was between God and I.
I laugh at what I saw "There is nothing there!" He just told me to look again. So I did.
That was when I saw many little tiny things popping up, mostly things I thought harmless to my relationship with God. But it stood as an overwhelmingly large brick that stood between God and I.
"This is what stands between you and I," He said looking down at me. "Like the cloud that covers the sun, it blocks out some light but not all."
I looked up at the sky, never did I want to be lost from God forever. Once you experience how much He loves you there is no turning back.
"But Lord, I can never remove all these, some are human nature, just things you do in the world today."
Again He looked at me, eyes filled with pity. "No excuses my child, you must learn to not be of this world. To know that you have eternal help from on High."
At that I could stand it no longer, I hungered for His presence to see His hand in my life again. To see His light.
So I asked. And I was given.
As I ran into His open arms as free as a child He whispered to me something I should never forget.
"All you need is me."
The cloud parted from the sun and the sight that stood before me was like biting into a fresh juicy strawberry. I let it fill me to the brim as I took as many pictures as I could. When I turned back to where God was standing I saw that He had gone.
But no fear raked my body and mind. No I stood there with a goofy grin on my face, remembering the words that were spoken to me.
That was when He showed Himself to me.

-GAM

Wishes, Dreams, and the all around Disney Lifestyle

Originally Posted June 23, 2007

Lately I have been making many many wishes. Most for the summer to be a really really big blast, to find things and have a great adventure. God finally sat me down looked me in the eye and said "The only thing you need to wish for is to draw Closer to Me"

That was when I no longer thought that all that mattered would be a Disney lifestyle as I call it. One of those dreamy, adventure filled life, with romance and an always fuzzy feeling.
God supplies all that for me. I am more then happy with that. Of course I struggle grasping the reality of it. The fact that I need to trust in God that He will supply all my wishes and dreams with even better ones.
Don't get me wrong, its fine for a person to have their dreams and fancies. But don't let it disappoint you when God intervenes and plans are changed (much for the better) I'm just saying that you need Him to drive you home because as Relient K says "I was drunk at the wheel"
This is one of my shorter blogs... one because I just felt I needed to share that and I didn't feel like making it a big deal.
So just take this message to heart and enjoy what God has planned for you.

-GAM

Sunset Party's

Originally Posted June 19th, 2007

Do you know that feeling you get before walking into a party? You feel all clammy you start to sweat a little, not knowing what is in store for the evening?

I get that each and every time. Its worse when my mind decides to play games with every person in the room. Ok, that person likes that person, that person has bla, bla bla bla. You know how it goes.
The even worse problem is when I know something is going to happen. Then I freak out. I can hardly walk into the room!
That is when after I get into my comfort zone, start to talk to people. You know open up and start to have some fun. Then its a great party.
Still it can never be as great as a bonfire with Anna at the Ruples. Oh the memory's.
Your brother tugs your arm just as its getting good. You have to leave. Its almost ten and your brother needs sleep (grrr!) So you hop into the car hear a song blast and your brothers girlfriend calls out change of mood. As soon as silence is golden in the car the fresh sound of Coldplay rings out. Yep there goes the change of sweet mood.
But you have the window down... the wind blowing your hair askew. The lovely smell of the rain washed outdoors. Then you see the brilliant curls of red, pink, orange and a lovely cloud blue flashing about in the sky of a perfect sunset. That is when you tell yourself that this is going to be a great night.
It didn't turn out to bad. Yes I grabbed my camera and a flashlight in less then three seconds and was running like the wild child I am to the field to get some shots of this memorable event. Sure the crap that when on at the party, the stupid things you said are still there. But they fade slowly away at the awing sight of the Beauty of God.
That was when I fell to my knees and praised Him with my whole heart. I saw that no matter how many pictures I put up on myspace of His beauty you still see it as a simple sunset. Just something beautiful that hangs there.
But when you experience it for your own self. Forever that beauty is with you it never leaves. When I think of that moment when I burst into that field and I saw that brilliant sky. I get a feeling that is indescribable. I will forever link it to the night of this party, to the night when I said "God your all that will ever matter."

-GAM

Down an Old Dirt Road

Originally Posted June 16th, 2007

The windows a rolled down, the shadows crawl neatly across you cushioned seat. You let the light wind lick your hair until all the curls are flying gently at you face. The music blares and you bob your head to the beat of the old tunes of 'Vintage Clothes'

The sun is red, your favorite color. The lovers in the front hold hands and tenderly gaze at one another. The car rumbles on down the rough dirt roads of a country side.
You break from the woods, your eyes are caught by a magnificent beauty that hangs in the sky of shimmering color. The car slows, the field is gold, you feel the world begin to stop. The music fades, all is swept away. Until time begins again.
Then the song changes, just like the mood. It no longer swings in a fast beat. You tap your foot instead, letting the slowness ease your mind. You let it take over. Lean your head against the door. Close your eyes as the sunset disappears over the edge. And you finish your drive down the country road.
You step out of that now dirt covered car. You look at your surroundings, feeling changed in a small way. You seem to notice more, take life less for granite. You casually walk up your steps to the front door. Letting everything sink in.
Sunsets, lovers, party's, feelings, vintage clothes.
Take a deep breathe. Let life take its tole. Follow the flow.
Then take another drive.

-GAM

Fish Through Colored Glass

Originally Posted June 15th, 2007

I burn my finger using a hot glue gun. It is the thumb, it hurts really bad. Goes through little spasms... it will feel fine then it will heat up like a stove and burn till I want to scream. Maybe I should go get more ice.

This past week has been just like that finger. On and off. Horrible one moment the best thing ever the next. But I held on to God, and He really helped me pull right through. It was a great feeling each time I started to realise that I had some were to stand when I felt down or bummed out.
I think I have to agree with that quote even more now. Bethany found it one day. It talks about not leaving life with out being burned up and thoroughly used up. I think that is how I want to leave this earth. We love the things that are most useful to us. Then we start to use it the most.
I want to be the person God uses, maybe in small ways. But I want to be used in anyway. As long as I am helpful.
Last night Gabby said that she was very happy that I was working for her business. In side that made me feel good. That I wasn't just a lazy bum, but that I was helping out more then I thought!
I don't feel like that with God.
I feel like I have sat on my butt to much. He has a job for me to do. No He hasn't reveled it yet, but I should be searching and testing out the ground I stand on. Removing myself from my comfort zone. Working with Him not against Him.
But for now I can content myself with the fact that I need patience right now. It will all unfold neatly as long as I follow the voice in my head. I need to stand up and share the word God has given me no matter how much I shake and tremble to stand in front of the world.
Fear should not be our enemy when we work for God. It should be tramped into the ground and forever locked away. Fear should not be apart of us when we work for God. Because all it does is hinder us. It hinders us from walking forward in the Lord. It holds us back from an amazing relationship, amazing things that are held in store for us.
So hold fast to what we believe in no matter what makes its way to the door of our heart. Let in only Jesus and you will be saved.
Then follow Him and do His work better then the next person.
Without fear.

-GAM

Apple Pie

Originally Posted June 8th, 2007:

There is just something about ejecting yourself into a small quiet corner of the world. Letting all your hopes and fears dissolve into nothing. Letting it all wash away, leaving you clean. Standing before a mighty God. With open arms He welcomes you in. That is what I wish to strive for in my every day living.

But I get so easily caught up in my worldly desires. I have my wants, such as cravings for ice cream or chocolate. Maybe even a little apple pie once in a while!
That is were I end up tripping over myself. Its not as bad as falling... but its on the same lines. I guess we all wish for something better to come along in life even if we are living the dream. If you catch my drift...
That is when I should look to God. But I fail so many times... I just struggle with doing that. Why can I not just look up and hand myself over to Him? Why? Why? Why?
You know a child will ask "why?" about so many things it starts to be funny...
That must be why I feel like a child. Lonely to. With no one comforting me. Because I wont accept the comfort that is given to me in a box wrapped up nicely. I refused it.
I think its time I asked for it. I take the gift handed to me and use it for the purposes that are at hand. There is no point it letting it all rot in the gutter!
This summer I shall learn to put all I have to use that is what God wants. Not me, not anyone else. What He wants.
Then I can leave this burden at the foot of the cross and run into those open arms and understand that loneliness is simply a figment of the imagination.

-GAM