A Front Step Look Back

Originally Posted: Monday, June 04, 2007

I am struggling on starting this blog. No fresh ideas are spilling out... I just can seem to understand my feelings of late.

I grabbed my tea the other night and sat down on the front step, looking out into the warm starless summer night. I thought of many, many things... my heart was heavy for things that I don't even understand. It could be that I had a heart filled with the pain and sufferings my family and friends are going through.

Had I not set my expectations as high as this, then maybe I would have avoided most of the pain. But I didn't. It took an entire night to sort out only half of my feelings.

I guess it all started with the start of summer. I suppose I have set my expectations high for this summer. Expecting for it to be the best one in a long time. Instead so far I have only been subjected to pain and disappointment. That bums me out.

I wanted this summer to be filled with fun and parties and friends and great times! But I noticed that a lot was going wrong this summer. My best friends will be gone for half of it. My sister is getting married, my brother is moving out. I just didn't know what to do when all of this crap came rushing in on me at one moment. I was overwhelmed, with change.

Its a hard thing to go through change... really it is. I struggle with change a lot more then I show. I like to hide my feelings and deal with them privately and personally with God alone. Not have to share them openly with the world. But maybe that is what I should get out of this change. Is to share with other people what I am going through...

More messy confused thoughts flew around my brain. I emptied every drawer that night. Everything I felt that hindered me and bugged me and drived me bonkers was going to come out of the dark and be delt with. Doing that I felt more like crap.

Then I came upon a thought that was nawing at the back of my head. I kept pushing it back farther into the dark not wanting to process it. I wanted to be hugged by someone and have them tell me they love me. I wanted a love that would never be put out.

That was when I looked up at the sky and noticed that there were no stars. I noticed that the wind was blowing gently. I noticed that Jesus was standing right there in front of me with open arms whispering "Isn't my love enough?"

I replied "Yes."

That was when the pain and suffering left. That was when I smiled a true heartfelt smile. Nothing phony, nothing fake.

That was when I realised I had no need for anything of this world. Let this summer be the worst of them all. Let everything fall apart. Because I have the best thing to stand on and fight all that comes in my direction to make me fall.

I have Jesus.

And that is all that matters.

-GAM

It Never Happened

Originally Posted: Friday, June 01, 2007

When I am sad, distraught or having trouble with life, I find that writing a blog can help me sort it all out. I sort of talk to God while I am doing it. I let His thoughts be mine.

I had many disappointments happen to me this past week/weekend. No they were not big ones that I should cry over. But I should accept them with a better attitude. Be more grateful for what I have. Not sulk about because I didn't get to do what I wanted to do.

I see the many expectations that I have are full of selfish desire. That is not something that is holy or of God. I am terrible saddend by that fact. The fact that I have been a jerk, not only towards other people, but towards God.

See I am already feeling better!

Now we all have our hopes and plans and expectations. But don't let them rule out your life. Yes sometimes we need to lower our expectations for lets say, getting a million dollars (cause I highly doubt that will ever happen) What I think, instead of watching yourself having to deal with all this disappointment because people enjoy changing plans! Let God's plans be yours. Let Him rule over your life, not your expectations. God has expectations to! Expectations that He wants you to fulfill!

So now I see that I need to sit back, stop my sulking and being selfish. Then I need to ask God and LISTEN to what He wants me to do.

Then after that I think that disappointment will be lessened.

-GAM

Curse the Cancel Button

Originally Posted: Wednesday, May 30, 2007

It brings tears to my eyes and an ache in my throat. And you know how many times a day I feel disappointment. Oh to many times to tell.

But why don't we just turn to God on that day when we get those tears in our eyes, or that ache in our throat and that awful feeling in your stomache, saying "Everything has gone wrong, this wasn't suposed to happen"

Why not instead say, "Praise the Lord! All my plans our ruined!" then jump up and down cheering.

But then at the same time that seems as if we are mocking God, blaming Him for all our troubles. That is why when we bring up the topic of dissapointment, most people get confused.

I say, when things go wrong just praise the Lord. Not for your problems, but because His plan is better then anyone elses. I mean all you have to do is that and then you feel just a little bit better. I am not saything things are going to go your way. No! you will just understand that God is with you through this whole thing. No matter what the problem is, when you praise God during it... well the outcome is not what is expected.

So next time I write a heartfelt, long blog then acidentaly press the cancle button. I will not say "God, please, please, please, please let it come back!" I will say "God let your will be done."

Now I look back on that and I say, "Obviously He wanted me to write a blog on disappointment, rather then my hopes and plans for the summer. Because I bet that people are going to get more out of a blog about disappointment then hopes and plans."

In all that it makes me feel, much, much, much better then any old ice cream shake.

-GAM

A Relief...

Originally Posted: Sunday, May 27, 2007

We all travel to distant places in our minds... They can be dark places or places that we find our true selves. They are full of twists and magic of another kind.

The places I travel tell me of a love, a strength, a faith. Something that is untangable, unable to grasp.

They tell me of a God who created me with such great love that He did all He could to save me. And in those places I find solace for a broken spirit.

I climb a tree, soaked with rain. I feel it come up through my clothes. But I am already traveling far away from this world. Tears may coat my face. Wind may rip at my clothing. But I feel none of it. I am already passing on into these other places.

Once there, I see a shining light. All fear is gone, all hate and all sin. Its wiped away. I only stand there wraped in arms that hold me tight, they keep me from shaking. There I am me.

There is were I find God.

There is the place were everything means nothing.

Then can I return to this world... and the travels of the day are finished.

For as red as a rock can be, nothing can withstand a God of GREAT LOVE.

-GAM

The Plung

Originally Posted: Saturday, May 26, 2007

Imagine a pond. Crystal clear water laping at the sandy beach. Your toes wiggle around squishing in the muck. Suddenly you know it's time. Sweat it rolling down your back, your bathing suit it stuck to you in every place. The heat is so intense you just need to cool off. You race around the edge of that pond. You clatter across the wooded deck, careful of splinters. You go racing on, letting the ground rush by. Then you let yourself fly.

The wind blows through your ears as you arch neatly into the water. It touches the tips of your fingers first. You let it rush the rest of the way up your body. Letting it's cooling touch soothe your summer hot skin. The sweat and the dirt are washed away, you push upwards towards the sky. You break up out of the water and take a deep breath. Alowing memories of the past, both good and bad come racing back to you.

This is the first plung of summer.

I grabbed a Jones soda at lunch the other day. That certain pop company decided to put a wonderful little Fortune cookie saying in the pop top. So I quoet. "To reach distant places, one has to take the first step."

In that I find plunging into a pond for the first time in that summer is like taking a first step. In that I see God.

I see God in many things. But in this I really see God.

I am searching for so many things. Trying to decide what I should do for the summer. And all God tells me to do is take the first step.

That very first plung, into cool, clear, refreshing water.

-GAM

The Color Yellow

Originally Posted: Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Yes... life is beautiful when you travel through a river in Crocs. When your brother drags you to your cousins to jump on a trampoline. When your cousin takes you on a wild adventure through the woods of your backyard.

Yes... life is beautiful.

Today I noticed that the world is yellow. In the summer time I think of it as yellow. Maybe because yellow is a warm color. Or because the color yellow is the color of the sun. I dunno.

I enjoy the fact that summer is finally awakening. Its almost at full swing, the heat is on its way and soon we will all be running about in bathingsuits and chasing each other with water ballons.

God is just wonderful, and I am more then happy that I can see that. Even if the journey is hard. I believe that striving forward gets you some were.

I mean Et and I hiked until we made it 'some were' so God is leading me 'some were' and at that 'some were' it will be a happy place. So let us endure the hard ships of getting there. Then comes the fun.

You journey through the hard ships of winter, and now look as it slowly leave's and in comes the color Yellow.

-GAM

It's About a Party and a Porch

Originally Posted: Saturday, May 19, 2007

For some reason I actually had a few choices on what category I wanted to place my blog. That sort of scared me.

I had another chat with God on my porch. Though I hate calling it a chat, because I wasn't listening. At all.

The worries of life, those are things that crowd your mind, and with your neighbors party DJ screaming in the backround doesn't help. But these are stupied lame excueses.

I lay on my rocking chair for twenty minuets complaining to God what a wreck my life is. It didn't make me feel any better. Then sitting here writing that just showed how much my life isn't a wreck. Right now I have the best life in the world.

Bestfriends that love me, a God that loves me and cares for me, a house, both my parents, brothers and sisters, no school, no job, I mean I am living the life. But yet I felt empty and sore. Because I wasnt responding to God. He was there talking to me and I had my back turned to Him.

And you know what.

That makes me feel like a loser.

Because the person who loves me, protects me, comforts me. I was ignoring.

I sit here and reread what I wrote and I want to cry. It's so pathetic, yet so real.

But like I say way to much, thats life. We just have to take it with stride.

So maybe if I let all this sink in and make the right move, I wont feel so empty and sore. Because the only right move I can make is to ask God to be apart of my life. To ask Him to enter into me, forgive me of my sins, and to put all my faith in Him and Him only.

Because He is the only one to ever deserve that.

-GAM