I am struggling on starting this blog. No fresh ideas are spilling out... I just can seem to understand my feelings of late.
I grabbed my tea the other night and sat down on the front step, looking out into the warm starless summer night. I thought of many, many things... my heart was heavy for things that I don't even understand. It could be that I had a heart filled with the pain and sufferings my family and friends are going through.
Had I not set my expectations as high as this, then maybe I would have avoided most of the pain. But I didn't. It took an entire night to sort out only half of my feelings.
I guess it all started with the start of summer. I suppose I have set my expectations high for this summer. Expecting for it to be the best one in a long time. Instead so far I have only been subjected to pain and disappointment. That bums me out.
I wanted this summer to be filled with fun and parties and friends and great times! But I noticed that a lot was going wrong this summer. My best friends will be gone for half of it. My sister is getting married, my brother is moving out. I just didn't know what to do when all of this crap came rushing in on me at one moment. I was overwhelmed, with change.
Its a hard thing to go through change... really it is. I struggle with change a lot more then I show. I like to hide my feelings and deal with them privately and personally with God alone. Not have to share them openly with the world. But maybe that is what I should get out of this change. Is to share with other people what I am going through...
More messy confused thoughts flew around my brain. I emptied every drawer that night. Everything I felt that hindered me and bugged me and drived me bonkers was going to come out of the dark and be delt with. Doing that I felt more like crap.
Then I came upon a thought that was nawing at the back of my head. I kept pushing it back farther into the dark not wanting to process it. I wanted to be hugged by someone and have them tell me they love me. I wanted a love that would never be put out.
That was when I looked up at the sky and noticed that there were no stars. I noticed that the wind was blowing gently. I noticed that Jesus was standing right there in front of me with open arms whispering "Isn't my love enough?"
I replied "Yes."
That was when the pain and suffering left. That was when I smiled a true heartfelt smile. Nothing phony, nothing fake.
That was when I realised I had no need for anything of this world. Let this summer be the worst of them all. Let everything fall apart. Because I have the best thing to stand on and fight all that comes in my direction to make me fall.
I have Jesus.
And that is all that matters.
-GAM
I grabbed my tea the other night and sat down on the front step, looking out into the warm starless summer night. I thought of many, many things... my heart was heavy for things that I don't even understand. It could be that I had a heart filled with the pain and sufferings my family and friends are going through.
Had I not set my expectations as high as this, then maybe I would have avoided most of the pain. But I didn't. It took an entire night to sort out only half of my feelings.
I guess it all started with the start of summer. I suppose I have set my expectations high for this summer. Expecting for it to be the best one in a long time. Instead so far I have only been subjected to pain and disappointment. That bums me out.
I wanted this summer to be filled with fun and parties and friends and great times! But I noticed that a lot was going wrong this summer. My best friends will be gone for half of it. My sister is getting married, my brother is moving out. I just didn't know what to do when all of this crap came rushing in on me at one moment. I was overwhelmed, with change.
Its a hard thing to go through change... really it is. I struggle with change a lot more then I show. I like to hide my feelings and deal with them privately and personally with God alone. Not have to share them openly with the world. But maybe that is what I should get out of this change. Is to share with other people what I am going through...
More messy confused thoughts flew around my brain. I emptied every drawer that night. Everything I felt that hindered me and bugged me and drived me bonkers was going to come out of the dark and be delt with. Doing that I felt more like crap.
Then I came upon a thought that was nawing at the back of my head. I kept pushing it back farther into the dark not wanting to process it. I wanted to be hugged by someone and have them tell me they love me. I wanted a love that would never be put out.
That was when I looked up at the sky and noticed that there were no stars. I noticed that the wind was blowing gently. I noticed that Jesus was standing right there in front of me with open arms whispering "Isn't my love enough?"
I replied "Yes."
That was when the pain and suffering left. That was when I smiled a true heartfelt smile. Nothing phony, nothing fake.
That was when I realised I had no need for anything of this world. Let this summer be the worst of them all. Let everything fall apart. Because I have the best thing to stand on and fight all that comes in my direction to make me fall.
I have Jesus.
And that is all that matters.
-GAM
Gracie-
ReplyDeleteI am happy that there was 'no inspiration' and that you reposted this since I had never read it the first time around. WOW! I think this was just what I needed. thank-you darling. (: I will be checking back for some more posts.
-Mel.